Tribulations, page 1

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My 4,895th consecutive day of lowered expectations This morning was terrific, right until I woke up
Success requires hard work so there goes that idea This would be funny if it weren't happening to ME
There are some days even my lucky underpants can't help some days it's not worth gnawing through the straps
Nothing messes up my Friday more than finding out it's only Thursday Oh, no, not another learning experience
All stressed out and no one to choke Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education
I left the womb for this? Oh, great time for the meds to wear off!
I've had a great time but this wasn't it I have too many tabs open in my brain
Well, TODAY was a total waste of makeup OK, time for PLAN B
When did my sixpack turn into this keg? We're doomed -C3PO
I'm due for some blessings that aren't in disguise Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with anothre Qtip!
When I used to daydream about the future, this wasn't what I had in mind If I was as good at remembering as I am at forgetting I could tell you why I brought this up
Can open. Worms everywhere They want you to be afraid
If there's a prize for bad judgment, I think I win Some people drain the nice right out of me
I've only got one nerve left and you're getting on it! We're all just helper monkeys for the super rich
I have been eating boxes of Thin Mints for weeks. They are not working! I haven't had this much fun since the last time I ate a lightbulb
If it weren't for stress I'd have no energy at all This too shall pass would be nice
We're screwed, with a capitol F I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired
It's been one of those days all week I replaced my nonexistent sex life with food and now I can't even get into my own pants
Thought loading. Please wait. I don't want to be here
I was happy but you're ruining it! Pardon me, which level of hell is this?
Way too tired for all this One day I'll buy a plant that has the will to live
Relationship Status: My emergency contact is 911 Drowning in the mainstream
Sorry, you are not a winner Dear medicine companies, that's not what fruit tastes like
Some of my worst mistakes were haircuts Today, even converting oxygen into carbon dioxide seems too much effort
I think, therefore I am depressed I get worried if I have nothing to worry about
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