Tribulations, page 4

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I try to lose weight but it keeps finding me A day on Venus lasts over 4800 hours the same as a Monday on Earth
When I laugh too hard I cry a little in my panties You may already be doomed
The satellites know you are reading this I believe in paying my taxes with a smile. But they want cash
I'm the leading cause of everything bad that happens to me I shaved my schnauzer for this?
I've got a lot not going for me There's no bottom to this barrel
Cow pies aren't really pies! Expectation is always my crime, disappointment my punishment
I put in contacts for this?! Damned if you do bored if you don't
Best or not, laughter is the only medicine I can still afford I'm going out of my mind! Please hold my place til I get back
Harvard didn't even accept my application Very close to faking my own death
I think some of my choices may have been ill considered This is the worst Monday since last Monday
I was hoping I'd run out of things to be disillusioned about by now The only thing I never seem to put off is procrastination
Note to future self: Sorry I made things so tough for you I find your lack of punctuation disturbing
What we have doesn't work This is not the future I expected
I fear things I don't understand If by "happy" you mean clinically depressed... then, yes, I'm happy
I'm disappointed by this unforeseen turn of events Just when I think I'm winning the rat race, along come faster rats
Due to circumstances beyond my control I am here The first five days after the weekend are the hardest
The worst thing about mornings is morning people I had too much to dream last night
I shaved my legs for this? So many locks, so few keys
I'm already tired tomorrow My bad decisions haunt me
I think therefore I am a nervous wreck these days! It's always a little later than you think
These are hard times for dreamers This appears to be unproductive
Your dryer isn't shrinking your clothes, your refrigerator is I'd start working out but I don't have a good Before picture yet
I always forget how bad I am at remembering I think I just heard the first thundercrack of the apocalypse
I can't bring myself to delete any episodes of Hoarders Ramen noodles taste like payday is a week away
I started a Neighborhood Watch but my neighbors called the cops on me This was supposed to be the future
I think I just seized the wrong day The trouble is, you think you have time
Reality is ruining my life My closest friends stopped talking to me just because I'm taking anti-psychotic drugs
You morning people are creating a hostile work environment for the rest of us I pay a monthly gym membership fee as reminder of my poor decisionmaking
It seems Rock Bottom has a basement Thank you, ATM fees, for letting me buy my own money
If each day is a gift today was underpants It’s just one bucking thing after another
One thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one Tomorrow will be worse
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