Tribulations, page 4

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I try to lose weight but it keeps finding me A day on Venus lasts over 4800 hours the same as a Monday on Earth
When I laugh too hard I cry a little in my panties You may already be doomed
The satellites know you are reading this I believe in paying my taxes with a smile. But they want cash
I'm the leading cause of everything bad that happens to me I shaved my schnauzer for this?
I've got a lot not going for me There's no bottom to this barrel
Cow pies aren't really pies! Expectation is always my crime, disappointment my punishment
I put in contacts for this?! Damned if you do bored if you don't
Best or not, laughter is the only medicine I can still afford I'm going out of my mind! Please hold my place til I get back
Harvard didn't even accept my application Very close to faking my own death
I think some of my choices may have been ill considered This is the worst Monday since last Monday
I was hoping I'd run out of things to be disillusioned about by now The only thing I never seem to put off is procrastination
Note to future self: Sorry I made things so tough for you I find your lack of punctuation disturbing
What we have doesn't work This is not the future I expected
I fear things I don't understand If by "happy" you mean clinically depressed... then, yes, I'm happy
I'm disappointed by this unforeseen turn of events Just when I think I'm winning the rat race, along come faster rats
The worst thing about mornings is morning people The first five days after the weekend are the hardest
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one I had too much to dream last night
I always forget how bad I am at remembering So many locks, so few keys
Due to circumstances beyond my control I am here My bad decisions haunt me
I'm already tired tomorrow It's always a little later than you think
These are hard times for dreamers I think therefore I am a nervous wreck these days!
Your dryer isn't shrinking your clothes, your refrigerator is This appears to be unproductive
I shaved my legs for this? I think I just heard the first thundercrack of the apocalypse
I can't bring myself to delete any episodes of Hoarders I'd start working out but I don't have a good Before picture yet
I started a Neighborhood Watch but my neighbors called the cops on me This was supposed to be the future
I think I just seized the wrong day Ramen noodles taste like payday is a week away
The trouble is, you think you have time My closest friends stopped talking to me just because I'm taking anti-psychotic drugs
You morning people are creating a hostile work environment for the rest of us Reality is ruining my life
I pay a monthly gym membership fee as reminder of my poor decisionmaking Thank you, ATM fees, for letting me buy my own money
It seems Rock Bottom has a basement If each day is a gift today was underpants
It’s just one bucking thing after another
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