Modern Thought, page 4

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Mistakes are proof that you're trying. And incompetent An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true
Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night Yesterday is just a memory, tomorrow only a dream, but today was a real bitch
Everyone is someone's disappointment Self Delusion: It's fun and it's easy!
I'm sorry and my bad mean the same unless you're at a funeral A diamond is forever. And so are the payments
If you have no regrets, you aren't trying hard enough Fake is the new real
You're only as good as your made up resume says you are Knowledge is knowing tomatoes are a fruit, wisdom is not putting them in a fruit salad
The only thing we have to fear are the people who tell us to be afraid We must learn from our mistakes of the past to improve our mistakes in the future
Life begins at coffee It's not settling if it's the best you can do
Silence is golden unless you have kids then it's suspicious If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee Money can buy happiness if you know where to shop
The rich get richer and the poor really should try being rich Cheese = milk + magic
Living behind an emotional wall is no good, you should get cement and lots of bricks This too shall pass. Like a kidney stone, maybe, but it will pass
Vegetables is what food eats Exercising bad judgment may be bad, but at least it's exercise
Karma's only a bitch if you are An expert is someone who is one page ahead in the manual
Bedwetting is when you let Nature's Call go to voicemail Your dryer doesn’t shrink your clothes your refrigerator does
A to-do list is a great way to track how little you're accomplishing The best stress ball is a rock that’s not too heavy to throw
If you really “did it like a boss” other people did it for you and you just took the credit When camping, the best way to avoid Bigfoot is to carry a reliable camera
Every day is a gift of unreturnable things you didn’t ask for The best time machine is an old song
If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t watch a YouTube how-to video No one can make a fool of you. It's a do-it-yourself kind of thing
Money always wins A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience
Gift cards: Gift shopping’s tiny surrender flags If you can’t handle someone at their worst you may have very healthy boundaries
Procrastination: a vote of confidence in your future self Tomorrow will be better. Or worse. Maybe the same.
There is no we in fries. Opportunity only knocks once but temptation leans on the doorbell
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way
Good judgment is gained from experience which is often gained from bad judgment Reality is where the pizza delivery guy comes from
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