Modern Thought, page 4

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Mistakes are proof that you're trying. And incompetent An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true
Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night Yesterday is just a memory, tomorrow only a dream, but today was a real bitch
Everyone is someone's disappointment Self Delusion: It's fun and it's easy!
I'm sorry and my bad mean the same unless you're at a funeral A diamond is forever. And so are the payments
This too shall pass. Like a kidney stone, maybe, but it will pass Fake is the new real
You're only as good as your made up resume says you are Exercising bad judgment may be bad, but at least it's exercise
Cheese = milk + magic We must learn from our mistakes of the past to improve our mistakes in the future
Life begins at coffee It's not settling if it's the best you can do
Silence is golden unless you have kids then it's suspicious If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments
Karma's only a bitch if you are Karma has no deadlines
Money can buy happiness if you know where to shop Procrastination: a vote of confidence in your future self
Alcohol is the answer when the question is, “What is, C2H6O?” Weddings aren’t GAY or straight ...just a waste of money that could have been used for a down payment
Your dryer doesn’t shrink your clothes your refrigerator does A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience
Chocolate fixes everything An expert is someone who is one page ahead in the manual
If you really “did it like a boss” other people did it for you and you just took the credit History may not repeat itself but it does rhyme a lot. -Mark Twain
Every day is a gift of unreturnable things you didn’t ask for One day at a time is sometimes way too fast
Money always wins When camping, the best way to avoid Bigfoot is to carry a reliable camera
If you can’t handle someone at their worst you may have very healthy boundaries The best stress ball is a rock that’s not too heavy to throw
If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t watch a YouTube how-to video The best time machine is an old song
Opportunity only knocks once but temptation leans on the doorbell No one can make a fool of you. It's a do-it-yourself kind of thing
Gift cards: Gift shopping’s tiny surrender flags Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese A pessimist is someone who has heard one too many optimists
Anything is funnier if you’re not allowed to laugh at it Reality is where the pizza delivery guy comes from
There is no we in fries. Tomorrow will be better. Or worse. Maybe the same.
Silence is golden, unless you have young kids, then  it’s suspicious Good judgment is gained from experience which is often gained from bad judgment
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