Modern Thought, page 5

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Friends are god's apology for relatives If there's a 50/50 chance something can go wrong, 9 times out of 10 it will
Self Delusion: It's fun and it's easy! Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses
One day at a time is sometimes way too fast Junk is the unused stuff you've had for years and won't need until you throw it out
Without a plan nothing can go wrong The only thing we have to fear are the people who tell us to be afraid
The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction This too shall pass. Like a kidney stone, maybe, but it will pass
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee Trying is for suckers
Everyone has a plan until they punched in the mouth Arguments are to be avoided, they are always vulgar and often convincing. -Oscar Wilde
The bigger they are, the harder they kick your ass Cheese: Milk’s attempt at immortality
A pessimist sees the glass half empty, an optimist sees it half full, a mom sees one more thing she has to wash The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
Things are never so bad that they can't get worse Bacon is meat candy
If there's no light at the end of your tunnel maybe it's a cave The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
Exercising bad judgment may be bad, but at least it's exercise Courage is often based on incomplete information
Reasons are why we do things! Beauty is only skin deep and that is quite sufficient
Murphy was overly optimistic Mediocre is the new excellent
An expert is someone who is one page ahead in the manual If you're right all the time you'll never learn anything
Impulse is intuition on crack Children, drunks and leggings always tell the truth
A penny saved... is ridiculous Consistency is only a virtue if you're not a screw up
When the blind lead the blind get out of the way Parties: For when you want to clean up twice in 12 hours
Every person has value Especially when sold as parts Handcuffed is almost never a good way to wake up
Justice is in the eye of the key holder When one door closes... open it. It's a door. That's how they work.
The best stress ball is a rock that’s not too heavy to throw Karma's only a bitch if you are
Vegetables is what food eats Money isn't the key to happiness but you can use that money to have a key made
Money always wins Sacred Cows make the best burgers
Money can't buy happiness but it can buy shoes. Problem solved Weddings aren’t GAY or straight ...just a waste of money that could have been used for a down payment
A to-do list is a great way to track how little you're accomplishing Every day is a gift of unreturnable things you didn’t ask for
Cheese = milk + magic Better to beat a dead horse than a live one
Bedwetting is when you let Nature's Call go to voicemail Silence is golden, unless you have young kids, then  it’s suspicious
The best time machine is an old song If you really “did it like a boss” other people did it for you and you just took the credit
Gift cards: Gift shopping’s tiny surrender flags Procrastination: a vote of confidence in your future self
There is no we in fries. Life begins at coffee
All stamps are food stamps if you eat them If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t watch a YouTube how-to video
The past is like the future with the lights on PASTE ALT HERE
A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience Inside every small problem is a larger problem waiting for you to let it out
Good friends finish each other’s sandwiches When camping, the best way to avoid Bigfoot is to carry a reliable camera
There is no limit to what you can do when you’re supposed to be doing something else When it hits the fan it is never evenly distributed
The future doesn't need us
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