Modern Thought, page 5

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Friends are god's apology for relatives Cheese: Milk’s attempt at immortality
Some fools are hard to underestimate Self Delusion: It's fun and it's easy!
One day at a time is sometimes way too fast There is no such thing as fun for the whole family
Without a plan nothing can go wrong The only thing we have to fear are the people who tell us to be afraid
The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses
Sleep is a poor substitute for coffee Junk is the unused stuff you've had for years and won't need until you throw it out
Nothing is impossible when you work for the circus Bacon is meat candy
Everyone has a plan until they punched in the mouth Arguments are to be avoided, they are always vulgar and often convincing. -Oscar Wilde
The bigger they are, the harder they kick your ass Trying is for suckers
A pessimist sees the glass half empty, an optimist sees it half full, a mom sees one more thing she has to wash This too shall pass. Like a kidney stone, maybe, but it will pass
If there's a 50/50 chance something can go wrong, 9 times out of 10 it will The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese
Exercising bad judgment may be bad, but at least it's exercise Courage is often based on incomplete information
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up Beauty is only skin deep and that is quite sufficient
If there's no light at the end of your tunnel maybe it's a cave Mediocre is the new excellent
An expert is someone who is one page ahead in the manual Murphy was overly optimistic
Things are never so bad that they can't get worse Children, drunks and leggings always tell the truth
Impulse is intuition on crack Handcuffed is almost never a good way to wake up
Vegetables is what food eats If you're right all the time you'll never learn anything
Every person has value Especially when sold as parts Reasons are why we do things!
Justice is in the eye of the key holder A penny saved... is ridiculous
Cheese = milk + magic When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
Sacred Cows make the best burgers Consistency is only a virtue if you're not a screw up
Weddings aren’t GAY or straight ...just a waste of money that could have been used for a down payment Money isn't the key to happiness but you can use that money to have a key made
Money can't buy happiness but it can buy shoes. Problem solved Karma's only a bitch if you are
A to-do list is a great way to track how little you're accomplishing When one door closes... open it. It's a door. That's how they work.
Parties: For when you want to clean up twice in 12 hours Money always wins
Bedwetting is when you let Nature's Call go to voicemail Gift cards: Gift shopping’s tiny surrender flags
Procrastination: a vote of confidence in your future self Better to beat a dead horse than a live one
If you really “did it like a boss” other people did it for you and you just took the credit Every day is a gift of unreturnable things you didn’t ask for
All stamps are food stamps if you eat them Silence is golden, unless you have young kids, then  it’s suspicious
There is no we in fries. The best time machine is an old song
PASTE ALT HERE If at first you don’t succeed, you didn’t watch a YouTube how-to video
Inside every small problem is a larger problem waiting for you to let it out Life begins at coffee
There is no limit to what you can do when you’re supposed to be doing something else When camping, the best way to avoid Bigfoot is to carry a reliable camera
The best stress ball is a rock that’s not too heavy to throw A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience
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