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If they don't want me to knock it over why do they write "Tip Jar" on it? Dept. of Corections
A good pun is its own reword Let's not talk about eternity because it just never ends
Shouldn’t the Air & Space Museum be just a big empty room? Quotation marks are "not" for emphasis
"Stop quoting me!" -Anonymous The only problem you can run away from is if your problem is you don't run enough
If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor, Who is. I have an on again off again relationship with light switches
In case of fire do not use elevators. Use water Question Everything. Why?
Not humerus I need constant validation, right?
Unlike some of you, I don’t care to be passive aggressive I don’t care IV roman numerals
To be frank, I would have to change my name Speech-to-text often makes me express things I didn’t Nintendo
There are 2 kinds of people: 1. Those who can extrapolate incomplete data I got hurt playing peekaboo and ended up in the ICU
Things would be a trillion times better if everyone would stop exaggerating Anosmia stinks
"That's what." -She Puns make me numb. Math puns make me number
I don't trust stairs, I think they're up to something Where do rainbows go to be punished? Prism
I'm not superstitious, just a little stiitious My girlfriend looked surprised when I said she drew her eyebrows too high
A joke isn’t a Dad Joke until it is all groan Vuja De: The feeling you're doing it wrong all over again
I need a bigger sticker The two rules for success: 1. Never tell all you know
I wish I was rich like my dad. He always wished he was rich, too A dogwood tree is easy to identify by its bark
I can’t drive an electric vehicle — I don’t have a current license I’ve had it up to here with imprecision
I keep my dad jokes in my dadabase Spelling Bee Champian
Beware of foreboding My shower curtain is very attracted to me
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is… oh, never mind, you’re out Steps to take in case of fire: really big ones
The best thing about telepathy is… right?! A clown opened a door for me today. That was a nice jester
I was shocked to learn I’m a bad electrician (pumpkin) pi
I’m looking for good hide-and-seek players but they’re hard to find My plan to be more optimistic probably isn’t going to work
I work well under pressure as long as I have lots of time and the outcome isn't important Know what I don’t like? People who answer their own questions
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